This post has an interesting history. Originally it was a riposte to somebody who posted the original, serious “13 Reasons to Vote Republican”, which had a lots of they-hate-us-for-our-freedom and unions-are-awful and unfettered-capitalism-rules-the-world stuff in it. So, point-by-point, I turned it around, posted it, and got blasted off the forum a couple times in a row. Republican dogmatists may be many things, but tolerant they are not.

Anyway, I thought I’d post this here, but intended to look up the original so readers could compare and contrast the two lists side by side. But now you can’t find the original ANYWHERE! The Net is flooded with parodies, paraphrases, and joke posts about the original “13 Reasons to Vote Republican”, though. Apparently it struck an awful lot of people as an extremely dumb and vulnerable list of indefensible points, just as I did.

So it goes. You’ll just have to imagine what the original conservative post went on about, which shouldn’t be hard. But it does demonstrate a fundamental truth: an awful lot of conservative people have no sense of humor whatsoever. Often, when they try, it backfires big-time. Like the short-lived Fox News hilarious alternative to Jon Stewart, which was generally a name-calling forum full of unfunny personal attacks, and with all the subtlety of a cartoon mallet smacking someone over the head.

But I digress. Do read on.

1. I vote Democratic because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t, because with that 15 percent we support a social and environmental structure that benefits everybody and not just a couple multi-billionaire oil-company CEO’s.

2. I vote Democratic because I believe the government can do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would, especially regarding big-picture things like climate change, which I am so clueless about that listening to me would be the last thing you’d ever want to do.

3. I vote Democratic because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as not too many people are offended by it, because I appreciate a civil society. Besides, the Aryan Nations and Fred Phelps are allowed freedom of speech — and they are plenty offensive to plenty of people, so it’s not like freedom of speech is restricted in any significant way.

4. I vote Democratic because I’m way too irresponsible to own a gun, mainly because statistically, I shoot paperboys and babysitters far more often than I shoot criminals. But Democrats haven’t done a thing regarding gun control — if you don’t count the ATTEMPT at continuing the ban on assault weapons in Washington DC, that virtually EVERYONE who actually LIVES THERE was in favor of. Good old NRA, meddling in other people’s business.

5. I vote Democratic because I believe that people who can’t tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years because they are SCIENTISTS, have studied thousands of pages of scientifically-obtained data, and are way smarter than me regarding the topic of climate change. Anybody can pull an opinion out of their ass, but it is a lot easier if all you have to do is repeat Rush Limbaugh’s talking point, which he just pulled out of HIS ass.

6. I vote Democratic because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive. Mainly because millions of babies are NOT being aborted, and even if they were, I believe it is every individual’s God-given right to DO WHAT THEY PLEASE WITH THEIR OWN BODY, abortion is LEGAL, AND Death Row inmates have often been proved innocent — INNOCENT — of all charges brought about by confused eyewitnesses and overzealous law enforcement.

7. I vote Democratic because I think illegal aliens have certain human rights, and as they contribute greatly to our society, should get SOMETHING out of the deal, like health care and education. Illegal aliens don’t get Social Security benefits. They pay INTO SS, but since they are illegals, they cannot collect on their contribution.

8. I vote Democratic because I believe that business should not be allowed to make unrealistic, usurious profits for themselves by crushing competition, lying to consumers, using their mighty piles of money to buy out smaller businesses and then hide the innovations those businesses were working on to ensure their corporate bottom lines.

9. I vote Democratic because I believe judges like John Roberts, Clarence Thomas, Anton Scalia need to be held to the Constitution, and NOT be allowed to pass a judgement such as Citizens United — where anybody with money can buy any election they want by pouring scads of dollars into it. And not only American dollars — foreign dollars. So foreign businesses can buy our elections? Great!

10. I vote Democratic because I think that it’s better to pay billions to people who hate us for their oil, than not have enough oil on our own territories to drill safely and cleanly. As a Democrat, I actually care that somebody’s well is contaminated with Toluene, not just MY well. I also ride my bike places and drive a small car because I think it is better for EVERYBODY, and I hate paying those guys too — so I use as little as possible, instead of bitching my head off about the Arab League at the same moment I am filling up my huge Cadillac Gargantua SUV.

11. I voted Democratic because while we live in the greatest, most wonderful country in the world, it could still use some work.

12. I voted Democratic because if I try to talk to most Republicans, they resort to this final phrase, which they think solves all arguments, ends all controversy, and crushes all dissent: “You have your head up your ass”. Thanks guys. Point taken, yeah. Whatever.

13. I voted Democratic because though I’m not one of the 70 million who don’t pay taxes, I take exception to the fact that the entire huge corporation of Exxon DOESN’T pay taxes, but people with investments that lose significant income, a destroyed home or business (known as a casualty loss), high medical expenses (especially for those who self-insure), or nursing home expenses DO pay taxes. Or maybe people are just POOR, for whatever reason. I’d rather have really poor people not be taxed and not be quite so poor than a lot of very angry and deprived poor people wanting to kick my ass instead of Exxon’s or Walmart’s, who pay far less in taxes than they should, if any at all.

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