First of all, let me thank the founding fathers of the good ol’ USA for writing in a clause to the Constitution that allows me to call Cathy McMorris, the U.S. Representative for Washington’s 5th congressional district, serving since 2005, a turnip-head. Thanks guys, much appreciated.

Now on to Cathy, who is so much more than just a turnip-head, I don’t know where to begin.

First of all, she signed on, part and parcel, to Paul Ryan’s cunning national plan to make poor people pay for everything possible, while giving rich people a pass. 62% of the Ryan plan affects the poor in major ways. Also, Ryan’s plan does not affect the Pentagon in any way whatsoever, even though the US pays SIX TIMES more on defense than the NEXT TOP TEN COUNTRIES COMBINED! That seems … stupid. Especially when there are a number of Pentagon bigwigs who are saying “No! No! Please cut the defense budget! There’s a ton of waste and a ton of misspent dollars! Stop, wait, don’t!” But no, Cathy and Ryan just go merrily onwards with the Cunning Professor Ryan’s big ideas.

Turnip-head point number 1: go along with the Republican party line no matter how out of touch it is.

Okay, now let’s talk about the so-called “war on women”. (I happen to think when you say “war”, you should mean “war”, complete with bombs, rifles, soldiers, invasions, collateral damage, etc.etc. etc. War is a REALLY bad thing to have happen to your country, as recently demonstrated by the US war on Iraq, where over a million civilians (i.e., people like you and me) were displaced or killed outright in the crossfire.) Cathy, despite being about the squishiest piece of female milky toast anywhere, kind of seems like she doesn’t like women very much. But, if we refer to Turnip-head Point 1 above, we can see why – it’s the party line!

Here’s a lil’ bit of Chris Matthew’s interview with Cath last May:

MATTHEWS: Well, let me ask on the other side of this issue, Cathy Rodgers, Congresswoman, why — what`s wrong with taking care of people who are involved in these same-sex or whatever kinds of relationships? As long as somebody`s being beat up by somebody, don`t you want to protect them?

REP. CATHY MCMORRIS RODGERS (R), WASHINGTON: Absolutely. And what the Republicans have introduced is the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. We actually took some of the recommendations from the Congressional Budget Office in our reauthorization. We are committed to this program that has long enjoyed broad bipartisan support.

MATTHEWS: Yes, but why not these other — why don`t you cover people who are not in a traditional marriage? Why would you limit it to just traditional marriage folk?

MCMORRIS RODGERS: Well, what I — those are — those are side issues that have been attached to this bill, and I think it`s very important…

MATTHEWS: Well, they`re not side issues if you`re getting beat up by your partner. That`s not a side issue, it`s your life.

MCMORRIS RODGERS: That is an issue — there is no — there is nothing under federal law that currently recognizes same-sex couples. And so if we`re going to have that debate in Congress, it should be a separate debate from the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act.

CATHY’S THOUGHT BUBBLE: Um, um, um, Chris took me off script, what am I supposed to say again? OH YEAH, take refuge in the party line.

Turnip-head point number 2: When the going gets tough, the tough get going by letting the party line take the drubbing.

Then there’s the issue of her Down’s Syndrome child. She once said – and this has been scrubbed from the Internet, but not from my mind – that she was sure happy she had government health care, cuz her hubby’s self-insurance from being a super-rich agricultural lobbyist sure wasn’t going to cut it when it came to caring for that child! It just wasn’t going to cover all those essential extra expenses a handicapped child requires! Thank goodness for Uncle Sam! And then she turned around and voted AGAINST the Childrens Health Insurance Program bill (CHIP), that would have reauthorized State Children’s Health Insurance Program (SCHIP) through FY2013 at increased levels. Well, HER child is apparently more deserving that any POOR kid, that’s for sure.

Turnip-head point number 3: go along with the Republican party line no matter amoral and wrong it is, even if it turns you personally into a stunningly self-stroking hypocrite.

Have you ever written a letter or Email to Cathy? Do you get the impression, as I do, that she doesn’t read what you send her? Or perhaps, many weeks later, you receive her signature Email response, which generally thanks you for your profound interest in farm policy, even though the topic you wrote her about was veterans from the war in Afghanistan. I mean, if one hadn’t made the effort to contact her originally, it would almost be funny. Have you ever tried to attend a town hall meeting with Cathy? They are very seldom scheduled, are kind of a secret actually. You can only go if you are the kind of person who would never ask her a hard question, which means you must be a slavering worshiper with a letter of reference from Ronald Reagan’s ghost itself. Otherwise, no dice. Actually, I kind of understand this, because if anybody, ever, asked her a question that was even moderately difficult, she would babble senselessly on for a while and then go to some other question that was easier, like, what is the Republican party line? THAT she knows, because she has to parrot it endlessly. Even then, the party big cheeses have to be careful with her, because she can be SO embarrassing. Note, if you will, the many TV appearances she makes as one of the very few Repub female representatives (there are 435 voting representatives, 21 are female Republicans), but she NEVER says anything. Clearly, she has been instructed by some Republican strategist, with mighty powers that eclipse her own, to just STFU. And, being a sweet lil’ ol’ conservative gal who toes the Dominionist line, if a MAN says it (and virtually all Republican strategists are men), well, no argument!

Turnip-head point number 4: When you go along with the Republican party line no matter what, and avoid all meaningful communication with your constituents because you cleave to the Republican line, you give the distinct impression that you REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT.

Here’s an interesting thing. Cathy, she who likes to tout her small-farm background, has attempted to pass legislation that would  have taxed farmer’s markets – which, as most people know, are just places where a lot of genuine small farmers go to sell farm products – at the same rate as a huge commercial agricultural enterprises. What, one might ask, would be the purpose of this? Well, if you tax farmer’s markets prohibitively, those small farmers will stay home, right? And if they stay home, there’s less competition for the the big-ass orchards and monocultural, bug-spraying, farm-worker-abusing commercial farms, so they can continue their very special practices with the rest of us hobbled to them, if we want to eat, that is. God forbid that an actual citizen movement occurred that moved us away from this unholy enterprise of modern farming.

Turnip-head point number 5: Always pretend your past life of selling apples from your dad’s fruit stand has equipped you to understand and act upon complex national farm policy.

Oh, and here’s what a rootin’ tootin’ money-collectin’ cowgirl Cathy is. She won the 2010 general election with 64% of the vote, against Democrat Daryl Romeyn. Romeyn spent only $2,320 against Mrs. Rodgers’ total outlay of $1,453,240. She had won 63% of the primary vote, against Romeyn (12%), and three other opponents (respectively 9%, 6%, and 6%.) Yup, a lot of people who value independent thought and authentic old-school freedom from the constraint of the establishment consistently vote for exactly what gobbets of money tell them to do. Way to go, Eastern Washington rural suckers and unthoughtful elderly Fox-News-watching party-liners! You sooooo smart!

Turnip-head point number 6: ALWAYS outspend your opponent by about 10,000 to one, because you never know when the public will find out just how useless you are.




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